David's Bloggage

So, I haven't written anything on here, but as I think the people who do read my blog, will know enough back-story to this post, I am not going to bother writing and filling you in on what has been going on in my life...

Today was a trying day for me. As in love with Emily as I am, that doesn't mean I'm perfect, or the perfect boyfriend, nor does it mean that she's perfect or the perfect girlfriend, though I do like to think that she is - naive as that may seem. Anyway, so today was the second day of the 3 day weekend, and also the second day in a row that we haven't seen each other... Trying enough, as clingy as either of us are with each other.

The problem is, partly because of what I've been exposed to, and partly because it's probably in my blood, and partly because I just suck, I am a jealous person. I am also the type to mis-interpret connotations, PARTICULARLY when I am already under stress or pressure. Well, 2 days away from Emily - for me - is a TREMENDOUS stress, and pressure.

So, today, her first full day at "Convo" the youth conference in Seattle/Tacoma area, was hard for me. Why? As I said, I'm the jealous type. She meets a new guy, she's friends with, and while, I am not entirely stupid enough to think that she's going to cheat on me, it IS in the back of my head. Actually closer to somewhere in the middle of my head. I'm certainly afraid that she'll meet someone better than me, or someone who can SWAY her into leaving me, and going to them. Because I see Emily as - unfortunately - someone who while she's stubborn, she can be easily pushed sometimes. Certainly by her peers. I think that if any of her peers ever told her they didn't approve of me - especially if they were close to her - that she would leave me. And by peers I don't mean her online buddies, or long distance buddies I mean the ones right here who she can't as easily ignore.

But anyway. So she met some guy named Brett, who is "bi" supposedly. Her phrase was "I made a new friend today" and well, that set me off. I went into Mr. Ass-who-thinks-his-girlfriend-found-somebody-better-and-is-now-second-in-line-and-worthless mode almost immediately. Which, STARTED leading to a fight. Yes, sadly Emily and I DO fight sometimes, though usually it's because I'm an ass, when I don't need to be, and she doesn't say much so I get frustrated. :(

To the point. There is a dance at this convo thing, and Emily was going to it. Because from what I understand attendance/participation is required in all events. Well! When Emily went, our friend Mallory took her phone. I got pissed off and said something kind of mean to her. Apologized to her for that rather quickly. Well, kind of quickly. Anyway, in the meantime, John, Mallory's boyfriend texted me and, well, I'll just type the conversation here because I saved the dialogue of texts.

John: Hey dnt cuss at mallory thats fuckd up dude. But anyways ive been with emily like all day and that guy brett is a faggit. Mallorys been makin me pissed l8ly... But dnt tell anyone bout our conversation k?
David: Sorry i didnt mean to cuss at her. And why is he a faggit? Wat do you mean?
Kay dude I wont. Why has she been pissin you off?
John: He acts so gay its funny.. But he was hittin on mallory.. Its just that mallory leads guys on and they think they can get a lil comfy even wen im around..
David: Ah dude im sory. Kick his ass for me okay? And IS he gay?
John: Lol mallory likes him cuz he acts like it. he askd wat wuld happen if him and mall hookd up.. I wantd to fukin punch his face in, but ill probly wulda kill him.
I think hes bi tho.
David:Dude kick his ass. I dont want him talkin to emily either. Tell him you kickin his ass for her bf. Cause if i were there id fuck him up.
John: He doesnt bothr her.. They only talkd like a couple times, i really dnt think hes interestd in her.. Unlike he is with mallory.
David: Dont care. Kick his ass. Please? Just knock him te fuck out. I'd do it for you. :P
John: I cant hurt her feelings... Rite now.. shes pissed at me cuz i went to txt u, instead of dancin with her. No1 knows im txtin u. Keep it like that k? I shuld go
David: Alright man but do me a favor keep an eye on brett. If he is around emily go over. If He dances with her tell me, and knock him out. I'm BEGGING you man.
John: Lol im watchin all these fukers. She wnt even talk to me now.. But ya dude dnt wry. Just act like ur ovr it wen u txt her l8r, thats wat they xpect 4 u to do.
David: Why? who's they? Are they talking about me?
John: Im gonna c if i can make it up... So ill ttyl dude.
David: good luck see ya later. Tell my gf I love her.
John: Im watching everyone here thats wat i mean. Lol dnt fret and im not gonna let any1 know we talkd. So around 11 u can txt her that k. Peace.

That would be fine... Except the "But ya dude dnt worry just act like ur over it wen u txt her.." and the "dont fret" part.
I HONESTLY think Mallory might have had control of John's phone, and be trying to manipulate me, into doing what she wants... and what she thinks Emily and I should do together. And herein lies the reason that for relational issues, I go to my FAMILY, and my ONLINE friends, for advice, rather than to my peers, because my peers often try to manipulate me. I will ask opinions, occasionally, but I rarely let them get involved.

Anyway, I want to know about the "that's what they expect for you to do" and to know about the dance.

Now, since I've started this post, the dance has ended, but they are busy with some other activity. Mallory texted me telling me that she accepted the apology, but that I need to fucking lose some control, and loosen up, or something along those lines.

And I have yet to question Emily or anyone about the texts. :(
So as I said trying times. Drama. FUCKING DRAMA. I hate being a teenager. I hate being a jealous person. I hate over-reacting. I hate a LOT of my own personality. If I were someone else, and I knew me, for me, I'd knock myself out more than once.

I hate being away from my girlfriend. When I'm with her, I can hold her, and everything is right with the world. When I'm away from her, my life goes back to the chaos that i has been for quite some time now. But I'm not sure if that's healthy. I want it to be. I mean, I am glad that being with my girlfriend keeps me peaceful, and calm. But I wish that it were an affect she had on me, more than just face to face. But even when geographical distance comes between us.

Anyway, there will probably be a QIK video to go along with this soon-ish, and I will edit my post to include a link to it. Until then, my qik profile is www.qik.com/davidworley so have a look - IF you care. :)

The end.
-David

Edit: The video:

Where amI?
I can't see!
Somebody help me!

I'm fading.
The lights,
They're dimming.
The darkness,
it's coming.

Unsure,
Uncertain,
Afraid.

The darkness,
it's here.
I've lost,
It's over.
I'm conscious,
Yet unconscious.
I'm thinking,
But I'm nothing.

I'm absorbed,
Into the darkness.
Floating with,
Countless other Nothings.

By A. David Worley Sept. 6th 2008

By the way, if you hadn't already guessed from the title, the poem's about conformity.

So of course, it's summer, and holidays have begun.
I'm receiving my dose of pamidronate for these 3 days, as I should be. Bit of a hitch yesterday with it, as I was turned away, but today all is well.

Anyway, I'll be going to stay with my mom and Ken, and also at some point, with my dad and Jeanne. I'm leaving, on Saturday, immediately after my pamidronate treatment has concluded, given all goes well.

Anyway, I got some pictures today, so I'll upload them.

Just figured I'd throw a brief post together.

Anyhow, also like to comment that the nurse, Sheena, is very good at what she does, and makes this a lot easier.

Anyway, that's it. Seeya!

May 9th 2008
By David Worley
    
Sanity
Sanity, and insanity,
Choice? Gene?
Sanity, normality,
Insanity, oddity.
Why such judgements?

How do you know,
If you’re going insane?
How do you know,
If you’re already there?
How do you know,
If you’re perfectly sane?
How do you know,
If you’ve always been sane?

Why,
Do I feel this way?
Why,
Do I think this way?
Why,
Do I act this way?
Why,
Am I this way?

Am I insane?
Am I imbalanced?
Am I unsafe?
Am I here?

Why?
 

I just thought that I would post these songs here, we went over them in my English class, and I thought they were both good songs, so I'm posting them here.
(Lyrics only)

"Twas down in Mississippi no so long ago, When a young boy from Chicago town stepped through a Southern door. This boy's dreadful tragedy I can still remember well, The color of his skin was black and his name was Emmett Till. Some men they dragged him to a barn and there they beat him up. They said they had a reason, but I can't remember what. They tortured him and did some evil things too evil to repeat. There was screaming sounds inside the barn, there was laughing sounds out on the street. Then they rolled his body down a gulf amidst a bloody red rain And they threw him in the waters wide to cease his screaming pain. The reason that they killed him there, and I'm sure it ain't no lie, Was just for the fun of killin' him and to watch him slowly die. And then to stop the United States of yelling for a trial, Two brothers they confessed that they had killed poor Emmett Till. But on the jury there were men who helped the brothers commit this awful crime, And so this trial was a mockery, but nobody seemed to mind. I saw the morning papers but I could not bear to see The smiling brothers walkin' down the courthouse stairs. For the jury found them innocent and the brothers they went free, While Emmett's body floats the foam of a Jim Crow southern sea. If you can't speak out against this kind of thing, a crime that's so unjust, Your eyes are filled with dead men's dirt, your mind is filled with dust. Your arms and legs they must be in shackles and chains, and your blood it must refuse to flow, For you let this human race fall down so God-awful low! This song is just a reminder to remind your fellow man That this kind of thing still lives today in that ghost-robed Ku Klux Klan. But if all of us folks that thinks alike, if we gave all we could give, We could make this great land of ours a greater place to live.

Copyright © 1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music

Strange Fruit
Lewis Allen

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

He falls
Into the icy water
As it moves
So rapidly
Impossible for him to survive.

Time seemed to move,
At a much slower pace,
As he fell from the edge,
So far down,
To the water.

Like a video,
Stopping for a long moment,
As each frame passed.

And then,
Like a reaction of a chain,
Being whipped about,
I followed.

Falling,
Far and fast,
Yet slow and peacefully.

So terrified,
Waiting for the icy chill,
Of the water's rapid movement,
To tear me away,
From the life I knew.

As he and I hit the water,
We seem to be absorbed into it,
Become one with it,
And its icy chill becomes part of us.

Impossible to survive.

By David Worley

Author's note: This post was not meant to frighten you. It is not symbolic to my current emotional state. It is a metaphor. Of life, and of death. Life is the time between the fall, and the water. Death, is the absorption into the water.
Why did I write in the first person narrative? I don't know.
Why did I include another subject in the poem? I don't know that either.
I am simply writing, a metaphor, for life, and death, and the randomnity of it.
Is randomnity a word? No. But I made it one anyway.

Thank you and goodnight.
-David

Well. It's been another while since I last posted, now, hasn't it?
Yes, yes, I suppose it has.
Why, you might ask, am I blabbering nearly incoherently?
My answer to that potential question, would be, because I enjoy it.

Heh. With that out of the way, where I've been.
I've been in Kitimat, doing all my normal stuff, and what have you.
Ron has started dating, in a serious relationship with a lovely woman named Margaret. She is a very nice, caring, generous woman. I'm glad he has found her, and hope things work out.

I am currently in Olympia visiting mom. Spring break, you know.
Anyhow, mom, Ken and I went to VON.x for a few days.
I expected it to be rather boring.
But you know what? I thought it was extremely interesting. I met a few very nice people, and got a crash course in social media and such. Rather interesting.

Have also been talking to a wonderful lady named Cathryn about writing. She's an author herself, you know, and has a lot to say about it, which I find valuable information, seeing as I'm a young author, and can always use help, critique, and encouragement.

And also, been in contact with a cool guy named Chad, who's put in a few various camera suggestions, since my camera broke. Bloody thing anyway. Chad's quite an established photographer himself, and he used to have a vox page, but he preferred flickr, since vox has limited uploads.

Anyway, I just thought I'd get a quick post going on as to what's been happening with me, and in a moment, I'm going to blast a random poem out. Based on a dream I had last night, with some artistic license. Well, not really, since it was a dream, but I'm going to change it a bit from the dream I had. Consider it more like this: The dream inspired the poem.

Anyway, that's the end of THIS post, here comes the next one.

Well, this post, is about emotions, and love, and what not.

My friend Whitney and I were talking about some of these things last night, at a late hour, and I thought I'd write about them, because I thought it would be interesting.

Whitney and I were talking about her wish for perfection.
I said that there was nothing really wrong with wanting perfection, as long as one understands that except in the matter of true love nothing can be perfect.
Quote: What do you mean perfect? And what's wrong with WANTING perfect, as long as you accept that perfection is impossible except in the matters of love./

Later on, Whitney went on to say this: Love is perfect, But we are too corrupt in ourselves to experience pure love, We have too many negative emotions.

But here's my take on it. Each emotion, negative or positive, is a pure emotion, and is a branch off of love. Physical pain doesn't count as an emotion. Anyway, since each emotion in my opinion is part of love, and is pure, then love IS pure, given that both people involved are experiencing TRUE love, and not puppy/fake/corrupt love.

She asked after that, how something like fear, or hate can be part of love.
Well, fear, can be part of love, because you can truly fear losing that person.

As for hate. Hm. Perhaps you hate yourself for loving someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings? Or hate somebody who killed/hurt/stole/whatever'd one of your loved ones? In those cases, I think that hate is a part of love. She said that hate is an absence of love, but I think it really depends on the scenario.

I think she's right, a lot of people ARE too corrupt to feel true love and pure love, but some people I think are still capable of it, even in the corruption we live in on a daily basis.

Later on, she mentioned that she thinks about this sort of stuff a lot, and possibly attributed it to her emotionally confused state.

I responded to that with this: I don't think it's more than you can handle. But you're thinking about it in such a way that your mind/heart/soul/whatever you'd like to believe can't fully accept it the WAY you're thinking about it, but if you somehow look at things from a different view, your mind/soul/heart would accept it. However! Do I pretend to know HOW to change the way you look at something? Nope. Sorry.

She said that she always seems to go in a circle with her thinking, and wind up back where she started.
Well, I think that's perfectly normal to do. Everyone does that sometimes, if not frequently, I think, and I think that's part of how we need to as a society change the way we think, so that we start going in a line, instead of in a circle, so to say.

So, back to the love thing.
I think she's right, I think a lot of people really ARE too corrupted to experience pure love, but I think she's wrong about us having too many negative emotions. Negative emotions are part of love too, I think, but I think that some people, really are incapable of love. They can act it, but not truly feel it. It's a pitiful thought to think that someone will never experience that feeling. But I think in this day and age, people care only for their own emotions, and rarely care whether other people experience the same thing as they do or not. It's a sad realization.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I wanted to say, just figured I'd write on here, what I talked about last night, because I thought it was interesting.
Read it, if you wish, comment if you wish. Ignore it if you wish. :)
-David

January 13th 2008

It seems like just a few days ago that my own father’s mother passed on. My grandmother. But it was already more than 4 months ago now. Still, what they say about things getting better with time, it’s not true. The pain is still there, as much as it ever was, and probably as much as it ever will be. What is true, is its easier to ignore the pain after time. You sort of build a tolerance to it, much like to physical pain. But that doesn’t stop the pain altogether.

And just this short time after my grandmother has died, I am aware of, and alerted to the fact that my step father’s own mother who has been terminally ill with lung cancer for well over a year now who has made it much longer than any of us expected her to, is probably going to die in a few days.
I shed my tears the day that we found out she had cancer, and I have started to shed them again tonight. It is obviously yet to be seen whether I’ll be able to shed them at the time of her death or not.

I still remember wanting and wishing for the ability to cry the day that my grandmother died, and I don’t like that feeling of the inability to grieve like I’d like to.
I want to hold it together for my step grandmother though. Mumpie. Oma. Both are her names to me. I love her so dearly. I hate to see her go. She’s been as much of a grandmother as much as my biological grandmothers have been to me for the last 9 years.

It’s killing me now to see her suffer like this. She’s not in as much pain as one would expect, but she’s so unhappy. I know that once she’s gone, she will be in peace, but I hate to see her suffer like this her last few days.

And I hate to see the pain and suffering of the heart that my step dad is going through as well. This must be so hard for him, to lose a parent. It must be hard for anyone to lose a parent. I’ve not had the unfortunate experience of going through that loss yet. And I don’t hope to any time soon.

It really is so hard for me to handle this just shortly after my other grandmother’s death, and my mom and step-dad’s divorce. It’s hard to handle one thing. To have it all happen in fairly short - ok I realize it’s been more like 4 months but still, that’s not that long in the grand scheme of things - succession is nearly impossible.

As I write this, I’m again thinking of the future. Thinking of what the future will be like without this wonderful woman who I know as a grandmother in my life. And I am horrified.

Again, as in another entry to my blog, I am nostalgic, remembering the past, and wishing that I were there. Worry-free, happy, and content. And I dread the future, still and again, as mentioned in that post.

I’m terrified, and torn, again and again, torn, right through the heart. I’m not sobbing yet, but I imagine by the time I actually post this I will be.
I’m also fearful that tonight’s sobs are the only tears I’ll be able to shed for this event. I don’t want that to happen. I want to be able to cry at the funeral, I want to be able to cry when she dies, I want to be able to cry a year from now remembering this.

But I don’t know if I’ll be able to cry about this after tonight, and that too frightens me.

Anyway, I’m pretty much done with my emotional rant. I wanted to write this down now so that I got my thoughts and emotions out on the table now before my mind suppressed them. I know that the thoughts here are disorganized, but I think the message is still clear.

Thanks,
-David.

What's on your holiday wishlist?

My holiday wish list? Not that vast.
Though I've spotted something new that I want.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on DVD!
I also want a new MP3 player. Something that can hold more than 80-100 of my 3-20 minute long songs.
Other than that? This shirt, this shirt, this shirt, and this shirt from the xkcd webcomic store.
And, this shirt, this shirt, this shirt, and this shirt from the The Best Page In The Universe Store (Best store in the universe[Maddox])

Honestly, I'd be happy with pretty much any of 'em from the xkcd ones, but those are the funniest ones - to me - and the ones from maddox, are specific to my sense of humor, the ones that aren't linked, I wouldn't wear.