1 post tagged “jealous”

So, I haven't written anything on here, but as I think the people who do read my blog, will know enough back-story to this post, I am not going to bother writing and filling you in on what has been going on in my life...

Today was a trying day for me. As in love with Emily as I am, that doesn't mean I'm perfect, or the perfect boyfriend, nor does it mean that she's perfect or the perfect girlfriend, though I do like to think that she is - naive as that may seem. Anyway, so today was the second day of the 3 day weekend, and also the second day in a row that we haven't seen each other... Trying enough, as clingy as either of us are with each other.

The problem is, partly because of what I've been exposed to, and partly because it's probably in my blood, and partly because I just suck, I am a jealous person. I am also the type to mis-interpret connotations, PARTICULARLY when I am already under stress or pressure. Well, 2 days away from Emily - for me - is a TREMENDOUS stress, and pressure.

So, today, her first full day at "Convo" the youth conference in Seattle/Tacoma area, was hard for me. Why? As I said, I'm the jealous type. She meets a new guy, she's friends with, and while, I am not entirely stupid enough to think that she's going to cheat on me, it IS in the back of my head. Actually closer to somewhere in the middle of my head. I'm certainly afraid that she'll meet someone better than me, or someone who can SWAY her into leaving me, and going to them. Because I see Emily as - unfortunately - someone who while she's stubborn, she can be easily pushed sometimes. Certainly by her peers. I think that if any of her peers ever told her they didn't approve of me - especially if they were close to her - that she would leave me. And by peers I don't mean her online buddies, or long distance buddies I mean the ones right here who she can't as easily ignore.

But anyway. So she met some guy named Brett, who is "bi" supposedly. Her phrase was "I made a new friend today" and well, that set me off. I went into Mr. Ass-who-thinks-his-girlfriend-found-somebody-better-and-is-now-second-in-line-and-worthless mode almost immediately. Which, STARTED leading to a fight. Yes, sadly Emily and I DO fight sometimes, though usually it's because I'm an ass, when I don't need to be, and she doesn't say much so I get frustrated. :(

To the point. There is a dance at this convo thing, and Emily was going to it. Because from what I understand attendance/participation is required in all events. Well! When Emily went, our friend Mallory took her phone. I got pissed off and said something kind of mean to her. Apologized to her for that rather quickly. Well, kind of quickly. Anyway, in the meantime, John, Mallory's boyfriend texted me and, well, I'll just type the conversation here because I saved the dialogue of texts.

John: Hey dnt cuss at mallory thats fuckd up dude. But anyways ive been with emily like all day and that guy brett is a faggit. Mallorys been makin me pissed l8ly... But dnt tell anyone bout our conversation k?
David: Sorry i didnt mean to cuss at her. And why is he a faggit? Wat do you mean?
Kay dude I wont. Why has she been pissin you off?
John: He acts so gay its funny.. But he was hittin on mallory.. Its just that mallory leads guys on and they think they can get a lil comfy even wen im around..
David: Ah dude im sory. Kick his ass for me okay? And IS he gay?
John: Lol mallory likes him cuz he acts like it. he askd wat wuld happen if him and mall hookd up.. I wantd to fukin punch his face in, but ill probly wulda kill him.
I think hes bi tho.
David:Dude kick his ass. I dont want him talkin to emily either. Tell him you kickin his ass for her bf. Cause if i were there id fuck him up.
John: He doesnt bothr her.. They only talkd like a couple times, i really dnt think hes interestd in her.. Unlike he is with mallory.
David: Dont care. Kick his ass. Please? Just knock him te fuck out. I'd do it for you. :P
John: I cant hurt her feelings... Rite now.. shes pissed at me cuz i went to txt u, instead of dancin with her. No1 knows im txtin u. Keep it like that k? I shuld go
David: Alright man but do me a favor keep an eye on brett. If he is around emily go over. If He dances with her tell me, and knock him out. I'm BEGGING you man.
John: Lol im watchin all these fukers. She wnt even talk to me now.. But ya dude dnt wry. Just act like ur ovr it wen u txt her l8r, thats wat they xpect 4 u to do.
David: Why? who's they? Are they talking about me?
John: Im gonna c if i can make it up... So ill ttyl dude.
David: good luck see ya later. Tell my gf I love her.
John: Im watching everyone here thats wat i mean. Lol dnt fret and im not gonna let any1 know we talkd. So around 11 u can txt her that k. Peace.

That would be fine... Except the "But ya dude dnt worry just act like ur over it wen u txt her.." and the "dont fret" part.
I HONESTLY think Mallory might have had control of John's phone, and be trying to manipulate me, into doing what she wants... and what she thinks Emily and I should do together. And herein lies the reason that for relational issues, I go to my FAMILY, and my ONLINE friends, for advice, rather than to my peers, because my peers often try to manipulate me. I will ask opinions, occasionally, but I rarely let them get involved.

Anyway, I want to know about the "that's what they expect for you to do" and to know about the dance.

Now, since I've started this post, the dance has ended, but they are busy with some other activity. Mallory texted me telling me that she accepted the apology, but that I need to fucking lose some control, and loosen up, or something along those lines.

And I have yet to question Emily or anyone about the texts. :(
So as I said trying times. Drama. FUCKING DRAMA. I hate being a teenager. I hate being a jealous person. I hate over-reacting. I hate a LOT of my own personality. If I were someone else, and I knew me, for me, I'd knock myself out more than once.

I hate being away from my girlfriend. When I'm with her, I can hold her, and everything is right with the world. When I'm away from her, my life goes back to the chaos that i has been for quite some time now. But I'm not sure if that's healthy. I want it to be. I mean, I am glad that being with my girlfriend keeps me peaceful, and calm. But I wish that it were an affect she had on me, more than just face to face. But even when geographical distance comes between us.

Anyway, there will probably be a QIK video to go along with this soon-ish, and I will edit my post to include a link to it. Until then, my qik profile is www.qik.com/davidworley so have a look - IF you care. :)

The end.
-David

Edit: The video: